nothing but time

What? Where am I? What am I late for? How is it possible that I found time to finish my taxes? How is it possible that I am able to blog? How is it possible that at 6pm on a Thursday I don't have anything to do? Well, nothing to do till 8pm tonight.

Well, at 6pm on this Thursday I finally got the two monkeys off my back that have been weighing me down for months. So now I just have my life to lead, right? Yes, that and laundry. Ohhh laundry...

What should I do with this two hour window of freedom? Should I journal? Should I nap? Should I work? Should I submit for auditions? Should I read the crappy book I am reading? Should I keep asking questions?

I will answer them:

• yes, I will submit for a few auditions
• yes, I will read my crappy book
• yes, I will 'rest my eyes'

Okay - time to get to work....errrh...whatever this downtime thing is called where you get to do what you want.

next to godliness

I will be honest - I have been living in a pig's sty for about two months. I keep the dirty dishes from piling up. I wash my clothes and put (most) of them away. I wipe down my kitchen counter, just because the juice makes everything sticky and my doctors don't like it when I send in sticky checks.

Today I got up extra early. Which is a feat in itself as yesterday I got up an hour late. What motivated me to get up? Was there a NPR story on that piqued my interest? No. It was the fact that I knew at exactly 7:30am two lovely women would be buzzing my buzzer with mops and vacuums and dusters. Yes, I am doing my civic duty - I am stimulating the economy - I have hired a cleaning service.

Did I ever think that I would:

1. be able to afford a cleaning service?
2. not be able to do it myself?
3. allow my place to get so dirty that I would no longer have any desire to clean it myself?

No.

But I am that person now. What is getting me through the day is knowing that when I get home at 9:30 tonight my tub will be scrubbed. My sink spiced and spanned. My floors mopped and my rug vacuumed - even under my ottoman.

I did have to clean before the cleaning people came. I put my clothes that had been drying on the ironing board for 2 weeks away. I cleaned up my table so they could dust. I put my Mr. Sunshine Care Bear away so they wouldn't make fun of it. I even changed my shower curtain so I would be able to fully enjoy the shine of the entire bathroom.

President Obama - I have followed your call to action. I am playing an active role in rebuilding our economy. And I won't write a bonus check to myself.

Your welcome.

The Curse of Creativity

I have a few friends I needed to catch up with, but due to schedules, the only time we seem to be able to meet is on Saturday or Sunday mornings. And if you want to get a table at ANY brunch place on Saturday or Sunday you must arrive by 10:15am - no later than 10:30. I have found that the prime time for brunch meetings is 10:30 - 11am. If you wait till then - you will WAIT for table. Even for the dives I frequent.

But anyway - I was having breakfast with a friend on Sunday. We were talking work - as theatre people we never seem to be able to go 5 minutes without something relating to something that relates to the creative process. I was saying how I am always fearful of missing an opportunity. How I feel guilty when I find the hour to watch TV and I end up watching The Biggest Loser - a show I have no connection with and honestly don't enjoy, but is mindless and easy. But at the same time, how run down and overwhelmed I get with so much going on and so much I want to do.

He said I have the curse of creativity. WOW. What a phrase: the curse of creativity. It is a huge complement. I work in creative fields, I have been know participate in a creative thing or two, but I do not consider myself specifically creative. But then he continued:

The curse of creativity is the curse of constantly needing to create something. The need to use time wisely. You don't want to waste a minute (even if it is to eat) because your mind is overflowing with all of new options/projects/ideas - how do you pick? how do you keep track? how do you prioritize? how do you finish one before you start the next?

how do you live a full life (artistically, socially, financially and all of the rest) and keep the creative hamster wheel turning? the faster you run, the faster that hamster wheel goes - how do you keep up with yourself?

A mixture of caffeine and anti-anxiety meds? That is what I am running on now - you can see how it is working: writing a blog that no one reads at 12:03am when I have to be up at 6am for a full day of work then rehearsal.

There is so much out there - so much to do. I want it all and I want it now. How long do I have to wait for my present to become my future. And if I go too fast, I will miss my present and future: if you are in constant preparation for the next thing, when do you enjoy and experience the thing you are currently doing?

Lines crossed and jumped over

At Saturday's rehearsal we were finally able to combine the three primary tools of acting: movement, text, and voice. These may seem like basic theatrical principles, but they can always come with the unexpected. Over the first few weeks of rehearsal there has been a strong focus on the creation of trust and intimacy (not that way) among the cast. We have crawled all over each other. Grabbed things not knowing what the "things" were until after - but then keeping hold of them because it was the only way to keep them in the air and safe. I don't want to describe rehearsal as a big orgy - it isn't - but the ensemble has created a closeness in a very quick manner.

But Saturday I crossed a line, rounded a base, or created a bond that will never be broken. I drooled on a fellow cast member. I did not spit, I did not have spittle as a spoke. I opened my mouth and drool fell out of it onto a cast member's back. I guess this requires a bit of a back story...

We were exploring the way sound resonates in the room. A cast member was on his knees investigating the resonance of the tile. I see his hunched back and I say in my mind, "I wonder what resonance with another body would be like. I should walk over, crouch down by him and vocalize into his back. Great use extreme proximity and shape. Great kinetic response, as my first impulse after seeing him as to go near him.

I approached him. I start my "ahhhh" at a medium volume and tone. I lean down with the anticipation of having a really unique sound...and I drool. And not a little. A fair amount of drool that had built up from the length of the exercises left my mouth and dripped down onto the back of this t-shirt.

DISGUSTING!

I am mortified. I break out of the exercise and say I am sorry. He gives a wave that I can only interpret as "that's cool - all part of the process". What? Seriously? After knowing each other for 2 weeks we can now drool on each other? The first rehearsal we rolled around on the floor. Last week we crossed the "eat off the same sandwich" line. I guess the drool line was bound to be crossed.

After the exercise we debriefed. "What did we learn? Any questions?" I had one concert thing I learned - when looking at the resonance of sound against a human body - always have both parties vertical.

And a big thank you to the dude who I drooled on - you are a man among men - an Actor among actors - and the most understanding person - I promise to really try to no drool on anyone else.

hope vs determination vs blind

As part of my 12 banned books in 2009, I just finished The Great Gatsby. I read it first in high school where I enjoyed it. But looking at this classic through adult (or maybe more mature) eyes has had a larger influence on me and how I view my life than it did when I was 17.

Gatsby is obsessed with the past, but constantly working in the present to obtain the future he thinks he is his destiny. How is this any different than me choosing to be an actor at a fairly young age working every day since then to be the actor (and have the success) that I have always dreamed of? Am I as blinded as Gatsby?

A lot of this past vs present vs future thought process has been driven by the piece I am currently working on - The Long Count - with New Leaf Theater. Their question for the season (and in my opinion the driving force behind the piece) is: How do we build a future from a present we didn't expect? Good question - and if you have the answer shoot me a line, would you?

Gatsby expected his present. He worked his adult life to create his present, but that still did not give him the future he wanted. I don't know what I expected when I decided I wanted to be an actor. I guess I knew at some point it would be hard, stressful, and full of disappointments. But it was always assumed that at some point I would dance with Patrick Swayze, star in a romantic comedy with Tom Cruise (before he went crazy), and win an Oscar/Tony for something wonderful. Isn't this as absurd as Gatsby thinking as soon as Daisy saw him she would leave Tom and her life style for a romantic fling she had when she was 18ish?

Was Gatsby blind to alternate futures or simply determined by a dream? Am I blind to my an alternate future or simply determined by a dream? Is my green light across the water as out of reach as Gatsby's? Are actors who "make it" the ones who work like hell to get it done - running with the right crowd - saying the right thing to the right people - dressing the right way? If so, they are the same as Gatsby, but did not meet the ultimate demise that he did.

With all of this rambling, what is the difference between blinded determination and hope? Is it better to be open to any new experience or focused on what you really want (you think you really want).

48 hours

In the past 48 hours I think I have lived about 5 different lives. But the great thing about humans is the ability to absorb, react, adapt, and be present. Being present is a big thing for me in 2009. It may have taken a decade to really grow up after I left high school, but something in the past 48 hours has really made a difference.

A friend this weekend said something that has really stuck with me:

I don't want to sacrifice any part of my 'self' to be an actor. I will never be
happy if one part of my life is always an emotional/physical drain.

Oh, too true my friend. Facebook status recently posted my as "learning to juggle". While I wish I really was learning a really useful skill with bowling pins and oranges - I was being metaphorical. In the past 48 hours I have juggled a job interview, made good progress on the job I currently have, completed first rehearsals for 2 different shows, finally finished 3 weeks worth of ironing, and posting to this blog (which I have neglected for far too long).

Am I tired? A little - but mostly I am exhilarated.

Yes, it is 11pm and I am hoping to be at work no later than 7:30am tomorrow. Will that happen? I really hope so. But if I don't, it will be another ball to add into the mix. What fun - right?