The Long Count with New Leaf Theatre Company...just my thoughts

New Leaf Theatre asked me for a contribution to their blog. I am working with them on The Long Count (opening this Friday and running through May - go see it). So below are a few things they asked me to talk about...

In a word, today I feel lazy. I fell asleep on my couch yesterday after rehearsal around 5pm, moved to my bed around 2am, moved from my bed to the couch around noon today, and finally moved from the couch to a vertical, moving position around 3. Do I feel well rested? Do I feel invigorated? No. I feel lazy (as mentioned above). But I hope I am banking some hours of sleep today that I can withdraw later this week.

I started being a theatre artist because I never really considered anything else. I kept with it because I couldn't imagine anything else. The act of creating something new (be it show, character, story) is uniquely fulfilling. I have tried to not be a theatre artist and it didn't work. My need to create is like water. I can get along without it, but if I go too long in the day without any, I will get a massive headache.

In regards to The Long Count, today, I am most excited about about knowing that it goes: "Samoa, Tonga, The Marquesas". Go see it - it will make sense later. Today I ask myself does the cryptologistt really want to go through? Has she given up? Is she so hurt by it she has to tell herself she doesn't care? Then I ask myself, will the audience know or care? I don't know about the audience, but I do. Maybe tomorrow I will figure it out.

Five years ago, I thought I knew everything. I knew what I needed to do and how it would all turn out. Five years from now I hope I know that none of the above can be or should be known. Marty McFly was wrong when he tried to tell Doc about the future. This may get a little silly but stay with me...Each time Marty did something to manipulate the future one of his little pictures would fade. That means he was missing the opportunity to create something he later loved. More often than not, when he started out he didn't know how much he actually treasured what he had. So in a very roundabout way, I am saying five years from now I hope I have learned to love where I am, who I am with, why I am there, and how I got there. Because, each day prior I was making my way there.

The season question for New Leaf is: "How do we build a future from a present we didn't expect?" In a word: trust. Trust in ourselves, in those around us, and the choices we have made.

As a bonus question New Leaf asked me was what my favorite year of school was and why. I would say (as cliche as it is) my senior year of high school. I was stuborn enough to have no inhibitions, smart enough to know I had to enjoy what I had, and silly enough to think it would be like that for life. My 10 year reunion is coming up this fall. I vasiclate about going or not. 10 years is a long time. Do I still have that stuborn, smart, silly girl inside me? Hopefully. I guess I have to trust that I do.

for the love of the game

No, i am not talking about baseball.

Each time I turn on my phone I have the phrase "for the love of the game". It came out of a small joke about why I do theatre. It isn't for the money or fame (yet...). It is what I love to do. Working or not, I do theatre for the love of the game of it.

When things are going well, it is easy to say why you love the game of theatre. Great people to work with, good reviews, confirmation that you don't suck...But, when things are not as you planned, not as you hoped, or not at all - that is when you really need to love the game.

A wise friend once told me:

one of the things i love about the theatre is the guaranteed failure of any project....not that you can't feel proud of what you do...it just can't ever be good enough. that is as it should be and tremendously liberating....frees you to work hard each day and see what can be achieved.

Failure is okay - it can even be good. Giving yourself the option to fail and it be okay is the only way to allow yourself to try anything. And isn't trying anything connected to why we love the game of theatre?

So, lets all fail and see what happens! Takes the pressure off. Takes the blinders of "this is good and this is bad" off. It is liberating.

Love the game - Fail.

nothing but time

What? Where am I? What am I late for? How is it possible that I found time to finish my taxes? How is it possible that I am able to blog? How is it possible that at 6pm on a Thursday I don't have anything to do? Well, nothing to do till 8pm tonight.

Well, at 6pm on this Thursday I finally got the two monkeys off my back that have been weighing me down for months. So now I just have my life to lead, right? Yes, that and laundry. Ohhh laundry...

What should I do with this two hour window of freedom? Should I journal? Should I nap? Should I work? Should I submit for auditions? Should I read the crappy book I am reading? Should I keep asking questions?

I will answer them:

• yes, I will submit for a few auditions
• yes, I will read my crappy book
• yes, I will 'rest my eyes'

Okay - time to get to work....errrh...whatever this downtime thing is called where you get to do what you want.

next to godliness

I will be honest - I have been living in a pig's sty for about two months. I keep the dirty dishes from piling up. I wash my clothes and put (most) of them away. I wipe down my kitchen counter, just because the juice makes everything sticky and my doctors don't like it when I send in sticky checks.

Today I got up extra early. Which is a feat in itself as yesterday I got up an hour late. What motivated me to get up? Was there a NPR story on that piqued my interest? No. It was the fact that I knew at exactly 7:30am two lovely women would be buzzing my buzzer with mops and vacuums and dusters. Yes, I am doing my civic duty - I am stimulating the economy - I have hired a cleaning service.

Did I ever think that I would:

1. be able to afford a cleaning service?
2. not be able to do it myself?
3. allow my place to get so dirty that I would no longer have any desire to clean it myself?

No.

But I am that person now. What is getting me through the day is knowing that when I get home at 9:30 tonight my tub will be scrubbed. My sink spiced and spanned. My floors mopped and my rug vacuumed - even under my ottoman.

I did have to clean before the cleaning people came. I put my clothes that had been drying on the ironing board for 2 weeks away. I cleaned up my table so they could dust. I put my Mr. Sunshine Care Bear away so they wouldn't make fun of it. I even changed my shower curtain so I would be able to fully enjoy the shine of the entire bathroom.

President Obama - I have followed your call to action. I am playing an active role in rebuilding our economy. And I won't write a bonus check to myself.

Your welcome.

The Curse of Creativity

I have a few friends I needed to catch up with, but due to schedules, the only time we seem to be able to meet is on Saturday or Sunday mornings. And if you want to get a table at ANY brunch place on Saturday or Sunday you must arrive by 10:15am - no later than 10:30. I have found that the prime time for brunch meetings is 10:30 - 11am. If you wait till then - you will WAIT for table. Even for the dives I frequent.

But anyway - I was having breakfast with a friend on Sunday. We were talking work - as theatre people we never seem to be able to go 5 minutes without something relating to something that relates to the creative process. I was saying how I am always fearful of missing an opportunity. How I feel guilty when I find the hour to watch TV and I end up watching The Biggest Loser - a show I have no connection with and honestly don't enjoy, but is mindless and easy. But at the same time, how run down and overwhelmed I get with so much going on and so much I want to do.

He said I have the curse of creativity. WOW. What a phrase: the curse of creativity. It is a huge complement. I work in creative fields, I have been know participate in a creative thing or two, but I do not consider myself specifically creative. But then he continued:

The curse of creativity is the curse of constantly needing to create something. The need to use time wisely. You don't want to waste a minute (even if it is to eat) because your mind is overflowing with all of new options/projects/ideas - how do you pick? how do you keep track? how do you prioritize? how do you finish one before you start the next?

how do you live a full life (artistically, socially, financially and all of the rest) and keep the creative hamster wheel turning? the faster you run, the faster that hamster wheel goes - how do you keep up with yourself?

A mixture of caffeine and anti-anxiety meds? That is what I am running on now - you can see how it is working: writing a blog that no one reads at 12:03am when I have to be up at 6am for a full day of work then rehearsal.

There is so much out there - so much to do. I want it all and I want it now. How long do I have to wait for my present to become my future. And if I go too fast, I will miss my present and future: if you are in constant preparation for the next thing, when do you enjoy and experience the thing you are currently doing?

Lines crossed and jumped over

At Saturday's rehearsal we were finally able to combine the three primary tools of acting: movement, text, and voice. These may seem like basic theatrical principles, but they can always come with the unexpected. Over the first few weeks of rehearsal there has been a strong focus on the creation of trust and intimacy (not that way) among the cast. We have crawled all over each other. Grabbed things not knowing what the "things" were until after - but then keeping hold of them because it was the only way to keep them in the air and safe. I don't want to describe rehearsal as a big orgy - it isn't - but the ensemble has created a closeness in a very quick manner.

But Saturday I crossed a line, rounded a base, or created a bond that will never be broken. I drooled on a fellow cast member. I did not spit, I did not have spittle as a spoke. I opened my mouth and drool fell out of it onto a cast member's back. I guess this requires a bit of a back story...

We were exploring the way sound resonates in the room. A cast member was on his knees investigating the resonance of the tile. I see his hunched back and I say in my mind, "I wonder what resonance with another body would be like. I should walk over, crouch down by him and vocalize into his back. Great use extreme proximity and shape. Great kinetic response, as my first impulse after seeing him as to go near him.

I approached him. I start my "ahhhh" at a medium volume and tone. I lean down with the anticipation of having a really unique sound...and I drool. And not a little. A fair amount of drool that had built up from the length of the exercises left my mouth and dripped down onto the back of this t-shirt.

DISGUSTING!

I am mortified. I break out of the exercise and say I am sorry. He gives a wave that I can only interpret as "that's cool - all part of the process". What? Seriously? After knowing each other for 2 weeks we can now drool on each other? The first rehearsal we rolled around on the floor. Last week we crossed the "eat off the same sandwich" line. I guess the drool line was bound to be crossed.

After the exercise we debriefed. "What did we learn? Any questions?" I had one concert thing I learned - when looking at the resonance of sound against a human body - always have both parties vertical.

And a big thank you to the dude who I drooled on - you are a man among men - an Actor among actors - and the most understanding person - I promise to really try to no drool on anyone else.

hope vs determination vs blind

As part of my 12 banned books in 2009, I just finished The Great Gatsby. I read it first in high school where I enjoyed it. But looking at this classic through adult (or maybe more mature) eyes has had a larger influence on me and how I view my life than it did when I was 17.

Gatsby is obsessed with the past, but constantly working in the present to obtain the future he thinks he is his destiny. How is this any different than me choosing to be an actor at a fairly young age working every day since then to be the actor (and have the success) that I have always dreamed of? Am I as blinded as Gatsby?

A lot of this past vs present vs future thought process has been driven by the piece I am currently working on - The Long Count - with New Leaf Theater. Their question for the season (and in my opinion the driving force behind the piece) is: How do we build a future from a present we didn't expect? Good question - and if you have the answer shoot me a line, would you?

Gatsby expected his present. He worked his adult life to create his present, but that still did not give him the future he wanted. I don't know what I expected when I decided I wanted to be an actor. I guess I knew at some point it would be hard, stressful, and full of disappointments. But it was always assumed that at some point I would dance with Patrick Swayze, star in a romantic comedy with Tom Cruise (before he went crazy), and win an Oscar/Tony for something wonderful. Isn't this as absurd as Gatsby thinking as soon as Daisy saw him she would leave Tom and her life style for a romantic fling she had when she was 18ish?

Was Gatsby blind to alternate futures or simply determined by a dream? Am I blind to my an alternate future or simply determined by a dream? Is my green light across the water as out of reach as Gatsby's? Are actors who "make it" the ones who work like hell to get it done - running with the right crowd - saying the right thing to the right people - dressing the right way? If so, they are the same as Gatsby, but did not meet the ultimate demise that he did.

With all of this rambling, what is the difference between blinded determination and hope? Is it better to be open to any new experience or focused on what you really want (you think you really want).

48 hours

In the past 48 hours I think I have lived about 5 different lives. But the great thing about humans is the ability to absorb, react, adapt, and be present. Being present is a big thing for me in 2009. It may have taken a decade to really grow up after I left high school, but something in the past 48 hours has really made a difference.

A friend this weekend said something that has really stuck with me:

I don't want to sacrifice any part of my 'self' to be an actor. I will never be
happy if one part of my life is always an emotional/physical drain.

Oh, too true my friend. Facebook status recently posted my as "learning to juggle". While I wish I really was learning a really useful skill with bowling pins and oranges - I was being metaphorical. In the past 48 hours I have juggled a job interview, made good progress on the job I currently have, completed first rehearsals for 2 different shows, finally finished 3 weeks worth of ironing, and posting to this blog (which I have neglected for far too long).

Am I tired? A little - but mostly I am exhilarated.

Yes, it is 11pm and I am hoping to be at work no later than 7:30am tomorrow. Will that happen? I really hope so. But if I don't, it will be another ball to add into the mix. What fun - right?

not what you know - who you know

One thing I know is I don't know everything. When I need to figure out the percentage increase (or decrease) I call my mom. When I need to know if I should use effect or affect, I call my sister. When I need to know sports highlights so I can have conversations in the elevator at work, I call my dad. When I don't know something, I can usually get to someone who does know or can help me work it out.

I can't do long division in my head, but I can do it with an excel spreadsheet formula. I can't do the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle, but if you let me google it, I can get pretty darn close.

More often than not, skill and competency is based on immediate facts and figures. But this knowledge is static. What is more valuable: a word doc template from 1993 or an cross-referencing excel spreadsheet I got from an open source site on the internet?

Librarians are a perfect example of this "moving target" of knowledge. I am amazed by librarians who know exactly what I am looking for and where it is even though I am describing it completely wrong. But at the same time, they know how to research. They know that just because they knew the answer 2 years ago it doesn't mean the answer is still the same.

Stifling one who doesn't know the answer right away, but can provide you with the answer and most up-to-date information in a short period of time, is the equivalent to putting your hands over your ears and singing "la la la la" when he/she speaks.

Now what is the value of that?

rant over.

Great shoes.

Picture it: I am on my way home from the gym tonight. I just put in 2.5 miles, which is pretty good for me. I am somewhat sweaty, have no make-up on, and I am rocking out with my ipod. I hop on the brown sit for my four-stop trip home.

A gentleman steps on to the train at Diversey. This gentleman sits across from me. He is in his mid 30's. He has a very round face, not fat - just round. I would rate him a 6 out of 10. Then he reaches down to tie his shoelace. Not only tie it, but he double knots it. I look at these shoes and they are great. They are worn leather - they look like the old-timey football helmets. They were totally awesome.

I flip up my earmuff, pulled out my earbud, and say, "Those are really great shoes." Then I smiled and made eye contact. But then I realized - I just tried to pick up this guy on the way home from the gym. I said one of the oldest lines in the book. I am a player and didn't even know it.

Luckily I only had one awkward stop to sit there realizing the foot I put in my mouth. I didn't mean to try to pick him up? I just liked his shoes. Did I learn a lesson? Yes, only accidental use a pick-up line on an 8 or higher.

Inauguration a week later

Tomorrow we will be 1 week into Obama's administration. I have watched all of the Sunday pundit shows and now feel fully informed to share my views.

1. Dick Cheney was the spitting image of Mr. Potter from It's A Wonderful Life. Seriously. Creepy
   
   



2. Have low expectations and you will always be pleasantly surprised.
   
   Obama's ultimate downfall will be not meeting the expectation of his supporters. They are vocal, invested citizens. Obama is the one politician my generation has respect for. Those with the most have the most to loose. But we must realize 6 months ago when he was campaigning we lived in a different world. The best laid plans of mice and men...and all of that. But what can we do? That is what Kennedy asked and what Obama said is the only thing that will save us. We each have to be responsible for ourselves and our neighbors.
   
   The movie 600 comes to mind. The reason why they were so successful is because you protect the man on your left and the man on your right protects you. What if we incorporated this into our daily life? The only way this works is with trust. Do we trust each other? Do we trust the government? Do we trust ourselves to do the right thing?
   
3. Now is our time. Not to sit, but to work.
   We are all responsible for this moment in history and we should all celebrate it to the fullest. Without prior generations of fearless individuals taking stands (personally and publicly) Obama would not be our president today. But what will our generation stand for? What moments in history will we contribute to? We are reaping the benefits of so many, how can we continue the good work?

One week down and 207 to go. Lets roll up our selves and get to work.

Watching war (**edited**)

I do not know much about the Israeli/Palestine/Gaza history or conflict.

(**edited**)
From watching George on This week, I originally posted incorrect information regarding this conflict. I still do not know much about the conflict, but this is a somewhat more accurate account:

I think it has something to do about Palestine and Hamas (ruling party of Palestine?) not following the established peace treaty where Israel returned control of the Gaza Strip in exchange for peace between the countries approximately in 2005. Can anyone correct me or expand on this?

The specifics of the situation aside, this is a war/conflict that America did not start. Is this how the rest of the world looks at the Iraqi war? Yes, it is on a smaller scale. Casualties have be relatively low, Israel did not start the conflict, but they uped the stakes with the ground campaign . From what I have learned through PBS documentaries, the Iraqi causalities from the shock and awe of "strategic smart bombs" were much less than when boots hit the ground. Is this going to be true in Gaza?

And I don't think America is completely clean of responsibility in this military action. Politics and US finical support of Israel causes aside, American has set a precedence for overzealous military reactions and the minimization of diplomacy. Ms Rice can say what she likes about a need for a "swift and sustainable" cease fire but, as a "superpower" what are we doing. Shouldn't all cease fires be swift and sustainable? It seems to me that those who have tried to mediate don't have the street credit with either group for them to stick with it.

Major military campaigns are not drawn up as quickly as Israel reacted. If they don't believe that Palestine will keep their side of the cease fire mediated by Egypt of course they are going to prepare for action. If Palestine sees Israel prepping, of course they will build up as well.

It is a vicious circle of mistrust. So who can gain the trust of both parties? Who can gain, and more importantly keep, the trust of countries across the globe. Now those of you who only see the liberal in me are guessing I am going to say Obama. But I am not sure. My good friend Barack has a lot on his plate. He has a few wars (Iraqi and Afghanistan), domestic issues (healthcare, the economy, bankrupt states), and global issues such as the need for true environmental and financial reform.

As much as I support Obama, he is not the silver bullet for all of our problems. Who else is going to step up and say "Everybody! Stop it! Shut-up. Sit down and lets talk to each other like human beings." I know it isn't that simple. I know I am living in a fantasy world with rainbow stair cases and lollipops flowers. But my good friend Barack cannot do it on his own. We need someone else. We need everyone else. What am I going to do to help. What can you do?

What I should have said yesterday

Today is January 2. I am a day late and a dollar short on recapping 2008, making resolutions for 2009, and living my first day as a model for the rest of the year.

I really hope yesterday is not a forecast of what 2009 will be. I slept till 10am. Got up, took a shower, then went to the couch for a nap. I was there till about 12:30pm. Now this is not necessarily a bad morning. I caught up on sleep. I relaxed. I slowed down. I got to the grocery because I knew I didn't want to start 2009 out with ordering out - I was starting 2009 with a homemade healthy meal.

When I got home I returned to the couch. This time I turned on the TV and I got the goldmine. An Andy Griffin Show marathon. Yes, "staring Andy Griffin and little Ronny Howard." From 1 - 5ish I watched and napped through Andy Griffin episodes. Do you want to hear the sad thing? (Yes there is something sadder than 4 hours of Any Griffin.) I had seen some of the episodes before.

I don't know what draws me to Andy Griffin. His overly religious episodes and every episode ending with a full grin (those had to be caps) is against almost every grain of my nature. But when I hear that whistle, I am intoxicated. I am memorized by pie making Aunt Bea, the fishing pole carrying Opie, and the lovable, endearing, and usually unlawful stranger in town.

Today was the complete opposite. I got up, worked out, made a list of chores, did a bunch of them, and was pretty productive. I think a combination of the two for 2009 is a good balance.

My phrase was "Fine in '09". But now I decided I am going to be "Divine in '09". 09 will include lists, chores, and productivity. But I also hope it includes napping, relaxing and Griffin. Divine, so, so Divine.