next to godliness

I will be honest - I have been living in a pig's sty for about two months. I keep the dirty dishes from piling up. I wash my clothes and put (most) of them away. I wipe down my kitchen counter, just because the juice makes everything sticky and my doctors don't like it when I send in sticky checks.

Today I got up extra early. Which is a feat in itself as yesterday I got up an hour late. What motivated me to get up? Was there a NPR story on that piqued my interest? No. It was the fact that I knew at exactly 7:30am two lovely women would be buzzing my buzzer with mops and vacuums and dusters. Yes, I am doing my civic duty - I am stimulating the economy - I have hired a cleaning service.

Did I ever think that I would:

1. be able to afford a cleaning service?
2. not be able to do it myself?
3. allow my place to get so dirty that I would no longer have any desire to clean it myself?

No.

But I am that person now. What is getting me through the day is knowing that when I get home at 9:30 tonight my tub will be scrubbed. My sink spiced and spanned. My floors mopped and my rug vacuumed - even under my ottoman.

I did have to clean before the cleaning people came. I put my clothes that had been drying on the ironing board for 2 weeks away. I cleaned up my table so they could dust. I put my Mr. Sunshine Care Bear away so they wouldn't make fun of it. I even changed my shower curtain so I would be able to fully enjoy the shine of the entire bathroom.

President Obama - I have followed your call to action. I am playing an active role in rebuilding our economy. And I won't write a bonus check to myself.

Your welcome.

hope vs determination vs blind

As part of my 12 banned books in 2009, I just finished The Great Gatsby. I read it first in high school where I enjoyed it. But looking at this classic through adult (or maybe more mature) eyes has had a larger influence on me and how I view my life than it did when I was 17.

Gatsby is obsessed with the past, but constantly working in the present to obtain the future he thinks he is his destiny. How is this any different than me choosing to be an actor at a fairly young age working every day since then to be the actor (and have the success) that I have always dreamed of? Am I as blinded as Gatsby?

A lot of this past vs present vs future thought process has been driven by the piece I am currently working on - The Long Count - with New Leaf Theater. Their question for the season (and in my opinion the driving force behind the piece) is: How do we build a future from a present we didn't expect? Good question - and if you have the answer shoot me a line, would you?

Gatsby expected his present. He worked his adult life to create his present, but that still did not give him the future he wanted. I don't know what I expected when I decided I wanted to be an actor. I guess I knew at some point it would be hard, stressful, and full of disappointments. But it was always assumed that at some point I would dance with Patrick Swayze, star in a romantic comedy with Tom Cruise (before he went crazy), and win an Oscar/Tony for something wonderful. Isn't this as absurd as Gatsby thinking as soon as Daisy saw him she would leave Tom and her life style for a romantic fling she had when she was 18ish?

Was Gatsby blind to alternate futures or simply determined by a dream? Am I blind to my an alternate future or simply determined by a dream? Is my green light across the water as out of reach as Gatsby's? Are actors who "make it" the ones who work like hell to get it done - running with the right crowd - saying the right thing to the right people - dressing the right way? If so, they are the same as Gatsby, but did not meet the ultimate demise that he did.

With all of this rambling, what is the difference between blinded determination and hope? Is it better to be open to any new experience or focused on what you really want (you think you really want).

48 hours

In the past 48 hours I think I have lived about 5 different lives. But the great thing about humans is the ability to absorb, react, adapt, and be present. Being present is a big thing for me in 2009. It may have taken a decade to really grow up after I left high school, but something in the past 48 hours has really made a difference.

A friend this weekend said something that has really stuck with me:

I don't want to sacrifice any part of my 'self' to be an actor. I will never be
happy if one part of my life is always an emotional/physical drain.

Oh, too true my friend. Facebook status recently posted my as "learning to juggle". While I wish I really was learning a really useful skill with bowling pins and oranges - I was being metaphorical. In the past 48 hours I have juggled a job interview, made good progress on the job I currently have, completed first rehearsals for 2 different shows, finally finished 3 weeks worth of ironing, and posting to this blog (which I have neglected for far too long).

Am I tired? A little - but mostly I am exhilarated.

Yes, it is 11pm and I am hoping to be at work no later than 7:30am tomorrow. Will that happen? I really hope so. But if I don't, it will be another ball to add into the mix. What fun - right?

so what if i set my thermostat at 54?

Okay, that was a bit of an exaggeration. When I leave the house I turn it down to 54-56. When I first get home, I pop it up to 64ish. I am usually working around the house, making dinner and such; making a bit of my own body heat.

Once I sit down to do paperwork or watch TV I might bump it up to 66, or on a very cold day 68. But I have often been known to leave it at 64 and add on the blankets, hats and socks. Not to mention the warmth from my overheating laptop.

What happens when I go to bed? Now this might be where I loose a few of you...

Tonight (where it is about 10 degrees outside) I have on three pairs of socks, flannel pants, a long sleeve t-shirt, two sweaters, and a knit hat. Not to mention the five blankets on top. Throughout the night I may shed a few layers. The hat will probably be the first to go. Then maybe a pair or two of socks.

But the key to this system is the sock/pants relationship: tuck your pant legs into the first layer of socks. That way when you toss and turn throughout the night the pant legs won't ride up and expose your legs to the elements.

My electric bill is pretty good, but it is the gas bill I am worried about this month. You may ask, "You have a fireplace, why don't you use that?" But with the fireplace, I have to leave the damper open all night; which in my mind is just sending my heat out the chimney.

My system, though convoluted works for me. I think I will keep it. At least until I start seeing someone and have to explain my ridiculous winter going to bed rituals.

They told me not to do it

Good friends and family told me not to do it. They said it wasn't worth it. They said the content was a bit too close to home. They said it was not as good as the series, but I did it anyway. Yesterday night, I watched the Sex and the City movie. They were right.

2.5 hours is not needed to tell the story of four over-reacting 40+ women in the NYC. It is a story of relationships: failed relationships, trying relationships, the end of relationships, the hardships of relations ships, the survival of relationships. All things I should not be around. But for some reason I feel the need to put myself in situations that I know will be painful. Why? Is this a human condition or am I just a looking to be in pain?

But back to the movie. Worth it because you always want a conclusion to things. You want to know Snow White wakes up and Cinderella finds her prince. Through out the movie they say the fairy tale isn't true. Life does not guarantee happiness. Some people make it, some people don't. It is the luck of the stars, or the luck of the cards, or the luck of giving the right person a second chance.

But in the end, in true Hollywood fashion, creates the happy ending. And in true HBO fashion, the solution is sex. But that isn't what I disapprove of. What I don't like is that it perpetuates the fantasy of everyone ends happy. What is happiness? Is it different for everyone or is happiness is prescribed and if you don't meet that list of what makes happiness, you wont ever be happy.

To me, happiness is an ongoing process. I actually don't like to use the word. Lately I have been using the word "fulfilled". I started with satisfied, but I needed to raise the stakes. I need something more than a house over my head and food on my table. I am very gratefully that these needs are assumed to be met for me, but I need something more. I need to have a life that is more than satisfying. I need to meet a life that is fulfilled.

What I am learning (and it is a process) is that fulfillment needs to come from inside yourself. What I am upset about is this is Sex in the City tells women of all ages that unless you have your fairy tale ending (which for them ends in men in some way) you will never be fulfilled. I can't have this be true. I don't think it is.

home, sweet home

Last night was the first time I have been in my tiny apartment for longer than 20 minutes since 9/11. Last night was the first time I have had a meal that was not delivered, picked-up, or hotel food since 9/11. Last night was the first time I did not worry about killing (or loosing) cats on an hourly basis.

Last night was wonderful.

In the past few weeks I have house/cat sat, shot a short film, started rehearsals, went to San Fran for work, fell down a flight of stairs, and have been hungry 20 out of the 24 hours a day.

Last night I left work and went straight home. I put on my pajamas, turned on Charlie Gibson, and started to cook dinner. What I would make for dinner was a dilemma for me all day. The contents of my fridge and pantry were something like this: frozen chicken, expired guac, 2 bottles of white wine, 1 bottle of champagne, brown rice, black beans, soy mozzarella cheese, and salsa. Obviously all of the necessary ingredients for the perfect quick, easy, and satisfying meal.

After consultation with a well respected cook, we decided on a menu:

• Pitch the guac - no sense in making myself sick on my first home cooked meal
• Bake the chicken, when it is almost done, add some salsa on top, once it is warmed through add the mozzarella cheese and hope it melts (b/c fake cheese doesn't always melt like normal cheese)
• Cook the brown rice in chicken broth (if i can find it in the back of the pantry) and add some of the black beans for a veggie/legume
• Finally, a glass of wine, just for good measure
  

It wasn't my finest meal - but it did the job. I made my meal watching the news. I ate my meal, sitting on my couch, watching Seinfeld with bad reception. I cleaned up my dishes watching Criminal Minds (secret fav show I have). I could not have been happier.

Today I went to the farmers market downtown. I now have veggies, bread, fruit, and even some frozen ground beef. (I see a meatloaf in my near future.) I am not sure what dinner to night will be, but at least I will have a full fridge. To me, there is nothing sexier than a full fridge.

My home may be small. I don't really get to choose what room to sit in. I only have 4 chairs, and have to improvise seating with a stools and ottoman. But, the past few weeks I have learned that my apartment works for me. To quote one of my favorite advertising slogans, "It is just my size."

I am ready for fall to start. I want to have fires (in the fireplace) and cuddle up with blankets and hot tea. I have to do this because I refuse to turn on my heat until there is snow on the ground or my pipes freeze - whatever comes last.

This is the first apartment I have renewed my lease at in Chicago. That is a very big deal for me. But it makes sense now. It is my home, and I think I might stay there for a while.

Sleep deprivation is not something I have experienced since high school. When it happened then, I had my mom to tell me to have a good cry, take a hot shower, and then snap out of it. I usually worked.

This is my first sleep deprivation experience as an adult, living on my own, responsible for feeding myself through half-conscientiousness. In the past 48 hours I have had 9 hours of sleep. 9 hours of sleep is actually a very standard one nights sleep for me. Needless to say, I am a bit f-ed.

Why, you ask. Because I am driven and I pull myself up by my bootstraps. I committed to shooting a small film Friday and Saturday night. Friday night's wrap time was changed from 11:30pm to 4:00am. Why did I stay? How was I able to control my rage? I have no idea. Why was I doing all of this for a glorified feature extra roll. (my character name is "girl in owl mask")

After 3.5 hours sleep I headed off to rehearsal. I rehearsed from 10:30am - 4:30pm. For some bizzarereason, I was up. I was active. I was pumped. It could have been the vitamin cocktail I mixed. I could have been the Venti Earl Grey that I was double fisting. But I was ready.

I got back to my apartment around 5pm. I had about a half hour to sit before I had to get ready for my second night of shooting. Tonight was going to be my featured shots. I got there, we set up; we rehearsed; we started to shoot. Then the neighbors started their party. A party with obscenely loud music.

We are all familiar with the phrase, "quite on set". This was not possible. Cops were called (not just by us) but they only turned it down for about 15 minutes. So, at 11:30pm, 3.5 hours after showing up, I left - without shooting a thing and scheduled to come back Sunday @8pm.

Sunday was going to be my recovery day. That is now f-ed.

I got up this morning at 10, not by choice, but because it is just what my body does. I moved in slow motion. I sat on the couch and watched George and a bazaar movie I had from netflix. Around noon I took a shower. I think my eyes were closed for most of it. Everything is heavy, life is blurred and in slow motion. But the longer I was up, the more I wanted to do - no matter how tired I was. There was some bazaar chemistry going on in my body.

Sleep deprivation creates a defence mechanism in your body to conserve energy and still allow you to get done what you needed to. Your body turns into a survival mode. You get done essential things. You stumble around and drop things to be sure you know your body is not right. This is the way your body allows you to push your limits - but be conscience of it.

Why am I blogging right now instead of sleeping? I have no idea - but it is what my body is allowing me to do. Maybe it is to give me physical evidence for me to remember not to over schedule myself like this again.

The upcoming week is really no better. My least scheduled day is Tuesday. But I already have a list for this "open" day.

It is all good- I am doing things I want to. And it is all worth it. For the love of the game.

more touchy feely crap

So, second post in a row about touchy-feely crap. But I ran 3.1 miles (5K) and had some time to think. Hopefully I will move past this aspect of my blog. But stick with it...

Last week my shrink talked about self-actualization. When she explained it I said it sounded too much like self-help-touchy-feely books. Then she said she did her doctoral thesis on it and I felt like a total tool. In an attempt to get back in her good graces, I told her I would think about it over the week. And I have. (But why do I care if my shrink likes me? Don't I pay her to like me?)

Basic premise of self-actualization:
I have inside myself what I need to do what I want.

Self-help book, am I right? But the more I think about it (on my run today) the more it makes some sense.

I have inside myself the strength to push myself to my physical limits.
I have inside myself the patience to take life one step at a time.

Think about it. Try it.

You have inside yourself the strength to do what you want with your life.
You have inside yourself the determination to reach the goals of your life.

Think about it.

not about religion

I am not religious. I was born and raised catholic, but not currently practicing. But, I would say I am spiritual in a karmic kind of way. I believe good deeds are rewarded. I believe there are repercussions for our actions. Do I believe in a higher being pulling the strings, but still giving us choice? I don't know.

The bible and I go way back. I read it as a teen, but don't really remember why. I took a course in college about religious texts as literature. I think there are wonderful stories and the similarities between each religion's sacred text is fascinating. And sometimes, I find something in the Bible (and other texts), things that actually helps me in life.

I found this from St. Francis. I don't know if it is in the bible. I don't even remember where I found it. But here it is:

Where there is charity and wisdom there is no fear nor ignorance.
Where there is patience and humility there is neither anger nor vexation.
Where there is peace and meditation there is neither anxiety nor doubt.

Going through life, if we practice charity and wisdom, could our fear and ignorance go away? If we find patience and humility in ourselves will our uncontrollable anger and vexation for the petty things disappear? If we find peace and meditate, will our anxiety and doubt be relieved?

I don't know. But I do know, for whatever reason, this helps. Do I know it by heart? No. Do I still yell at cars when they blatantly disregard pedestrian right of way? Yes. But it is a good reminder. Something to bring me back to the important things in life; and the way I want to live my live.

Vindication

No particulars. No names. Only this: vindication is a sweet, sweet reward. Better than revenge.

multitasking or just taxing?

I am, if i may brag, the queen of multitasking. I read while watching TV. I brush my teeth and do my morning stretches. I memorize monologues while running. I do my mouthwash swishing and pack my lunch at the same time.

But does all of this multitasking add up to too much? Does the act of multitasking take more out of you than if you did each task individually? How much brain power does it take to find and execute the most effective use of your time?

The bigger question: is this really the best for our body and soul? We are in the days of constant stimulation (TV, ipods, PDAs, email, computers, advertisements, ect). How often to we just sit. What are the thoughts that are racing through our mind when we are just sitting? Worry about something coming up? Making a list of what you have to do when you start doing stuff again? Even when we relax, we still multitasking.

The closest thing we have to doing only one thing at one time is when we are sleeping. That is why having sleep - the correct kind and length is so important. It is this only way to truly refresh. It is the only way to build the strength t0 multitask our way through each day.

I forgot about Fox

I don't have cable. I actually love not having cable. If I am going to waste my time on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, I would rather waste it watching a PBS documentary than Jurassic Park on TBS for the 20th time.

But when I moved last year, my cheap ass rabbit ears would not pick up Fox. I had to say goodbye to weekday Seinfield and Simpson's reruns, Saturday afternoon 80's movies and even new shows like Bones (I don't know why I like it, but I do). In the past year without Fox, all of these things have fallen away from my life. I didn't even miss them. And I saw a lot of documentaries on PBS. I will never lose my love for PBS.

But I just got a new TV. I still have rabbit ears and no cable, but the number of channels I receive doubled. Now I have 2 PBS channels, 3 Spanish channels, 2 nick-a-night knock off channels (in English) and Fox. I haven't seen an episode of the Simpson's in over a year. I completely forgot that they have new episode on Sundays - Finally there is an alternative to the Extreme Make-Over House Edition cry-fest. I totally forgot about Fox.

I still keep up with my PBS, but I am re-discovering the enjoyment of flipping channels. I even found Reno 911 the other day. I have no idea what channel it was on because I have so many now! Each day is a season premiere for me. God help me when the fall season does start. I will be so torn! I guess I can always watch the shows online. But my Internet connection isn't great, because I piggyback off my neighbor. :)

To be clear - I am not talking about Fox News. I work very hard not to ever talk about Fox News.

Frying My Fivehead

Definition: Fivehead: an extremely high hair line, extending a normal forehead (approximately 2 inches above your eyebrows that fades into your hairline) forming a fivehead.

I am very fair skinned. I didn't always used to be so fair. As a child, I would spend every day at the local Y. By the end of June I would be so tan, no sunscreen was needed the rest of the summer. Tan lines lasted well into November. I was between 6 and 13 I was a golden child.

After years of hiding in theaters during summers (and most of the year) my ability to tan is gone. I now have two shades: transparent and burned. I have tried to be proactive about not burning. Sunscreen is in my make-up, because my face is my money maker.

This past weekend I was in Wisconsin and had the opportunity to be in the outdoors more than usual. I also was wearing less make-up, which turned out to be my downfall. We went to American Players Theater for a matinee of Mid Summer Night's Dream. We went to a matinee. It was a nice day, not too hot out until you are sitting in the through the first, second and third act in the blazing sun.

Things would have been fine if I had applied my make-up with a bit more thought. I did just a quick transparent powder (with 20 SPF) all over and called it a day. (Seriously - it is only Wisconsin, right?) Well, I covered my face and forehead very well - no burning there. I even was sure to go over my nose and throw a bit on my ears. (I had my hair pulled up.) But I missed my fivehead. By the time we got to intermission I had a gleaming red band between my forehead and hairline.

Soon it will be peeling and it will brush into my hair looking like dandruff. Awesome. I think I would rather be transparent.

Two Lessons and Three Years

It has been a long time since I posted last. Sorry about that. I am not sure what has happened since I wrote last, but I am sure a lot and not much of anything.

My birthday is coming up. The big 2-7. It isn't a big anything. It is a nothing birthday. The next birthday I have to look forward to is my 50th so I can qualify for AARP and hang out with the oatmeal guy.

But 27 has been a hard number to look at. And I am getting no sympathy. Those younger (all of 24) say it isn't a big deal - at least it isn't 30. Those older don't say anything and just shake their heads and sigh.

A few people had good thoughts. I don't know if I can incorporate them into how I feel about getting 3 years away from 30, but it is good food for thought.

Lesson 1:
Life is a marathon. Right now you are sprinting through mile 5 or 6. You can't keep up that pace if you are going to make it all 26.5 miles. Also, this is the only marathon you are ever going to run, slow down a bit so you can remember what it looked like, how it felt, and who you were with.

Lesson 2:
Look at life in chunks. What has happened to you between the ages of 17 and 27? A freaking lot. All of the people you have met, places you have gone, things you have accomplished. What about between 20 and 27? 25 and 27? In the past 6 months? You will only continue to experience new things. What do you think you will have done when you are 37? Life continues; you continue to experience things up until the actual moment you die. 27 is only one point in time - not an ending point. Even if the movie was good, this is not As Good As It Gets.

Now, these two lessons came from two very smart people. Or they may have been a combination of a few conversations with somewhat smart people and these are my take aways - I'm not really sure. But what the lessons tell me is: live in the moment. Doing so is the only way to appreciate what you have and are doing today. You only get one today - be sure you take advantage of it.

Hopefully for my next post I will have something witty and fun to write about. However, depending on how things go, there might be one more post about how I am almost 30.

Reminiscent of the scene in When Harry Met Sally: She is sobbing on her bed and cries out "And I'm going to be 40!" Harry replies, "When?" Sally sighs, "Someday." Harry calmly, and a bit sarcastically, replies, "Yeah, in 8 years."

New Leaf staged readings

Tomorrow I will be participating in a series of 10 minute plays at Summerfest with New Leaf Theatre Company. Apparently Summer Fest is a big deal in the Mid-North area. Bands, food, crafts, and funnel cakes are to be had.

New Leaf is doing free readings of 3-10 minute plays inside the Lincoln Park Cultural Center. All are short and fun staged-readings of new works based on areas in the Mid-North. We do it three times throughout Saturday: 11am, 1pm, and 3pm.

Stop by and check it out if you are in the 'hood.

(Lincoln Park Cultural Center is 2045 Lincoln Park West. It is the park building right next to the old Lincoln Park Zoo building with the statues of the lions in front of it. And - it will be open during Summerfest and has pretty okay bathrooms.)**

**Since when did "pretty good bathrooms become a selling point for theatre? I can just hear Barbara Gain's acceptance speech at the Tony's, "We never would have made it this far without our pretty good bathrooms at Navy Pier." yikes.

Asking for help

It has been a week.
Every day.
I am finding reasons to do it:

• reward for a great audition
• make up for a not great audition
• celebrate a day off work
• and the reasons go on and on

I can't stop it. It has happened before, and I have no control over it. I am addicted to ice cream. Every night I need to get my fix. There is a new flavor - no Black Raspberry Chip - but a Raspberry Chip Cheesecake. It does the job.

I need but I want any help. I am choosing to suffer though these next three months until it is too cold.

I scream for ice cream. I scream insanely for it.

A new level

I don't know if it is the next level up, or the next level of hell, but I am now blogging about blogging. I haven't blogged in about a week and I feel all bocked-up. So get ready, sit down, and get ready to laugh...maybe

I invented the internet

Okay, well that may be a bold face lie, but I invented www.alysekittner.com. And it is live m-f-ers! (say it with a funny accent, it makes it sound less harsh).

alysekittner.com is my new website. I still needs work, but for less than $200 bucks, I got it on its feet. And in half the time it usually takes my IT department to make a new site. Hayoh! (just kidding guys - love y'all).

So go to the site and point out my typos before I send it to the world. I hear the world is now wide and a web. I wonder if that is what the www (that is no longer required) means?

1/4 life crisis; 1 cup hogwash?

Is a 1/4 life crisis a real thing? The mid-life-crisis has been around long enough for people to consider it a reality. But the emergence of the quarter-life-crisis needs to be acknowledged. But why is the 1/4 life crisis just starting now? Well, I have a few thoughts.

I am sure Stephen Hawkins could prove that life is moving at least twice as fast as it was 50 years ago. So it would make perfect sense that a life crisis of any sort will happen in half the time it once took. How often do you check your email? How often do you check your cell for a missed call? How far (in feet) can you be comfortably a way from your cell phone?

My answers:
At least 20 times a day
At least 100 times a day
No more than 10 feet.

What other generation has had this type of constant contact? What other generation has such pressure to produce, communicate, and show results in such a microcosm? Under such scrutiny? Or am I just a 20-something bitching?

ebb and flow

Ebb and flow is the foundation of the earth. The tides ebb and flow. Emotions ebb and flow. People ebb and flow. Is there anything that is so certain and so set that it does not ebb, then flow?

Give and take is the foundation of life. Sometimes you give before you take. Other times you take before you give. But the exchange of giving and taking occurs every minute of everyday. I can only hope I give as much as I take and ebb as much as I flow, before my life ebbs and flows for the last time.