next to godliness

I will be honest - I have been living in a pig's sty for about two months. I keep the dirty dishes from piling up. I wash my clothes and put (most) of them away. I wipe down my kitchen counter, just because the juice makes everything sticky and my doctors don't like it when I send in sticky checks.

Today I got up extra early. Which is a feat in itself as yesterday I got up an hour late. What motivated me to get up? Was there a NPR story on that piqued my interest? No. It was the fact that I knew at exactly 7:30am two lovely women would be buzzing my buzzer with mops and vacuums and dusters. Yes, I am doing my civic duty - I am stimulating the economy - I have hired a cleaning service.

Did I ever think that I would:

1. be able to afford a cleaning service?
2. not be able to do it myself?
3. allow my place to get so dirty that I would no longer have any desire to clean it myself?

No.

But I am that person now. What is getting me through the day is knowing that when I get home at 9:30 tonight my tub will be scrubbed. My sink spiced and spanned. My floors mopped and my rug vacuumed - even under my ottoman.

I did have to clean before the cleaning people came. I put my clothes that had been drying on the ironing board for 2 weeks away. I cleaned up my table so they could dust. I put my Mr. Sunshine Care Bear away so they wouldn't make fun of it. I even changed my shower curtain so I would be able to fully enjoy the shine of the entire bathroom.

President Obama - I have followed your call to action. I am playing an active role in rebuilding our economy. And I won't write a bonus check to myself.

Your welcome.

hope vs determination vs blind

As part of my 12 banned books in 2009, I just finished The Great Gatsby. I read it first in high school where I enjoyed it. But looking at this classic through adult (or maybe more mature) eyes has had a larger influence on me and how I view my life than it did when I was 17.

Gatsby is obsessed with the past, but constantly working in the present to obtain the future he thinks he is his destiny. How is this any different than me choosing to be an actor at a fairly young age working every day since then to be the actor (and have the success) that I have always dreamed of? Am I as blinded as Gatsby?

A lot of this past vs present vs future thought process has been driven by the piece I am currently working on - The Long Count - with New Leaf Theater. Their question for the season (and in my opinion the driving force behind the piece) is: How do we build a future from a present we didn't expect? Good question - and if you have the answer shoot me a line, would you?

Gatsby expected his present. He worked his adult life to create his present, but that still did not give him the future he wanted. I don't know what I expected when I decided I wanted to be an actor. I guess I knew at some point it would be hard, stressful, and full of disappointments. But it was always assumed that at some point I would dance with Patrick Swayze, star in a romantic comedy with Tom Cruise (before he went crazy), and win an Oscar/Tony for something wonderful. Isn't this as absurd as Gatsby thinking as soon as Daisy saw him she would leave Tom and her life style for a romantic fling she had when she was 18ish?

Was Gatsby blind to alternate futures or simply determined by a dream? Am I blind to my an alternate future or simply determined by a dream? Is my green light across the water as out of reach as Gatsby's? Are actors who "make it" the ones who work like hell to get it done - running with the right crowd - saying the right thing to the right people - dressing the right way? If so, they are the same as Gatsby, but did not meet the ultimate demise that he did.

With all of this rambling, what is the difference between blinded determination and hope? Is it better to be open to any new experience or focused on what you really want (you think you really want).

Reading Goals

I am sad to say, I have failed. In January I decided I would read 52 books and 52 plays in 2008. If you are up to date on my GoodReads account, you will see I am not even close. I gave up in October. And to be honest, the list might be a little padded as many of the plays were short plays, one acts, or original works that can be easily read on a slow train ride home from work.



In 2009, I want to set a more reasonable goal - 12 books that have been on the "burn" list. When I googled "burned book list" a blog came up with a list of the top 50 books that have been on the burn list. I am not sure how this list was established, but I was very surprised at what was on it. To Kill a Mocking Bird, The Diary of Anne Frank, The Great Gatsby - all books on the required reading list for my high school. Public schools in westside Cincinnati are not progressive - at all. How did these books get this list? When were they on the list? How and when were they taken off?


While these books shows how our society has progressed over the years, they also show the sad place we have come from. I have lead a very good life. My generation has experienced very little repression. Is there still racism? Yes. Is there still discrimination? Yes. Is there still room for development to a more compassionate and equal nation? Yes. But negative actions are no longer condoned. We have come a long way and my generation has not experienced much of the growing pains. I want to read these burned books to see what was thought to be so bad, how it is now received and how it made it back into common society.



As I read each book, I want to research the history of the banning, burning, and reintroduction. When I was doing the 52 list I was just trying to get through the book. Looking back I can hardly remember what I have read, let alone what I learned. While I will continue to read plays for my acting, my pleasure reading will be these burned books and their history.



I am not sure if I will reread a book I read in high school or college. Would a few years of life experience shed new light on the story? I am not sure, but I hope to find out.

They told me not to do it

Good friends and family told me not to do it. They said it wasn't worth it. They said the content was a bit too close to home. They said it was not as good as the series, but I did it anyway. Yesterday night, I watched the Sex and the City movie. They were right.

2.5 hours is not needed to tell the story of four over-reacting 40+ women in the NYC. It is a story of relationships: failed relationships, trying relationships, the end of relationships, the hardships of relations ships, the survival of relationships. All things I should not be around. But for some reason I feel the need to put myself in situations that I know will be painful. Why? Is this a human condition or am I just a looking to be in pain?

But back to the movie. Worth it because you always want a conclusion to things. You want to know Snow White wakes up and Cinderella finds her prince. Through out the movie they say the fairy tale isn't true. Life does not guarantee happiness. Some people make it, some people don't. It is the luck of the stars, or the luck of the cards, or the luck of giving the right person a second chance.

But in the end, in true Hollywood fashion, creates the happy ending. And in true HBO fashion, the solution is sex. But that isn't what I disapprove of. What I don't like is that it perpetuates the fantasy of everyone ends happy. What is happiness? Is it different for everyone or is happiness is prescribed and if you don't meet that list of what makes happiness, you wont ever be happy.

To me, happiness is an ongoing process. I actually don't like to use the word. Lately I have been using the word "fulfilled". I started with satisfied, but I needed to raise the stakes. I need something more than a house over my head and food on my table. I am very gratefully that these needs are assumed to be met for me, but I need something more. I need to have a life that is more than satisfying. I need to meet a life that is fulfilled.

What I am learning (and it is a process) is that fulfillment needs to come from inside yourself. What I am upset about is this is Sex in the City tells women of all ages that unless you have your fairy tale ending (which for them ends in men in some way) you will never be fulfilled. I can't have this be true. I don't think it is.

more touchy feely crap

So, second post in a row about touchy-feely crap. But I ran 3.1 miles (5K) and had some time to think. Hopefully I will move past this aspect of my blog. But stick with it...

Last week my shrink talked about self-actualization. When she explained it I said it sounded too much like self-help-touchy-feely books. Then she said she did her doctoral thesis on it and I felt like a total tool. In an attempt to get back in her good graces, I told her I would think about it over the week. And I have. (But why do I care if my shrink likes me? Don't I pay her to like me?)

Basic premise of self-actualization:
I have inside myself what I need to do what I want.

Self-help book, am I right? But the more I think about it (on my run today) the more it makes some sense.

I have inside myself the strength to push myself to my physical limits.
I have inside myself the patience to take life one step at a time.

Think about it. Try it.

You have inside yourself the strength to do what you want with your life.
You have inside yourself the determination to reach the goals of your life.

Think about it.

multitasking or just taxing?

I am, if i may brag, the queen of multitasking. I read while watching TV. I brush my teeth and do my morning stretches. I memorize monologues while running. I do my mouthwash swishing and pack my lunch at the same time.

But does all of this multitasking add up to too much? Does the act of multitasking take more out of you than if you did each task individually? How much brain power does it take to find and execute the most effective use of your time?

The bigger question: is this really the best for our body and soul? We are in the days of constant stimulation (TV, ipods, PDAs, email, computers, advertisements, ect). How often to we just sit. What are the thoughts that are racing through our mind when we are just sitting? Worry about something coming up? Making a list of what you have to do when you start doing stuff again? Even when we relax, we still multitasking.

The closest thing we have to doing only one thing at one time is when we are sleeping. That is why having sleep - the correct kind and length is so important. It is this only way to truly refresh. It is the only way to build the strength t0 multitask our way through each day.

I forgot about Fox

I don't have cable. I actually love not having cable. If I am going to waste my time on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, I would rather waste it watching a PBS documentary than Jurassic Park on TBS for the 20th time.

But when I moved last year, my cheap ass rabbit ears would not pick up Fox. I had to say goodbye to weekday Seinfield and Simpson's reruns, Saturday afternoon 80's movies and even new shows like Bones (I don't know why I like it, but I do). In the past year without Fox, all of these things have fallen away from my life. I didn't even miss them. And I saw a lot of documentaries on PBS. I will never lose my love for PBS.

But I just got a new TV. I still have rabbit ears and no cable, but the number of channels I receive doubled. Now I have 2 PBS channels, 3 Spanish channels, 2 nick-a-night knock off channels (in English) and Fox. I haven't seen an episode of the Simpson's in over a year. I completely forgot that they have new episode on Sundays - Finally there is an alternative to the Extreme Make-Over House Edition cry-fest. I totally forgot about Fox.

I still keep up with my PBS, but I am re-discovering the enjoyment of flipping channels. I even found Reno 911 the other day. I have no idea what channel it was on because I have so many now! Each day is a season premiere for me. God help me when the fall season does start. I will be so torn! I guess I can always watch the shows online. But my Internet connection isn't great, because I piggyback off my neighbor. :)

To be clear - I am not talking about Fox News. I work very hard not to ever talk about Fox News.

My Sister Was Right

My sister is right about a lot of stuff, but this one she got right-on:

Dan in Real Life is amazing.

I first watched Dan in Real Life a few months back. It was on my netflix list, I watched it, I liked it, I sent it back. My sister had it on her netflix list, watched it, watched it again, and then a third time. All in a row. She loved it. She thought it was the best thing since When Harry Meet Sally.

Over the past few months I have been thinking about the story of Dan's real life. Is life ever that complicated? Is life ever that simple? Are family vacations ever that cool? I saw it at Borders, had a coupon, and bought it. Impulse buy. I have not been able to stop watching it.

Steve Carell is the Everyman. He represents all of what we face each day. The opening scene says it all. You open your eyes, you sit up, you take a deep breath, say okay, and start the day. Not because it is going to be great. Not because you are so excited about what you are going to do that day. But because it is what comes next.

The forecast for tomorrow is gradual lightness followed by gradual darkness.

You find a way to keep getting up in the morning and going through the day. There are high and low points, but you get through the day.

Bottom line is this movie is great. My sister was right. Since I bought it Tuesday, I have watched it three times. One time I did fall asleep, but it was late.

random thoughts

Just a few random thoughts from today.

If there is a day to spill soy sauce all over your pants, it is the day you wear black pants. Today I wore black pants.

Does the fact that I figured out how to do T9 entry texting on my cell phone make me a Gen Yer? Or does the fact that it took me a month make me a Gen Xer?

If, on the CTA, I hit a fellow passanger in the shoulder with my bag on purpose because she is stupid, am I being aggressive or passive aggressive?

If the highlight of my auditions this week was a picture of my arm pit, was this a good week or a bad week?

If I put in the ice cream store suggestion box that they should be open in the morning so I can get ice cream before I go to work, do you think they will figure out it is me?

A new level

I don't know if it is the next level up, or the next level of hell, but I am now blogging about blogging. I haven't blogged in about a week and I feel all bocked-up. So get ready, sit down, and get ready to laugh...maybe

and now for something terrible

I love the fact that there are still pirates. In a world where everything is being renamed and civil protest can be called an act of terrorism, I love that there are still pirates - more specifically the fact that they are called pirates.

It is terrible what is going on in Somalia and I do not mean to make light of it. But when I see a blip on the TV in the office elevator and the only word I catch is pirate and they aren't talking about Johnny Depp or the latest rendition of Peter Pan - it cracks my shit up.

In a sick and twisted way, the use of the word pirate makes me feel better. Life hasn't changed all that much since swashbucklers and the uncertain life upon the high seas.

On a serious note - these pirates are focusing their pillaging on UN Food Program and Relief cargo ships. They are waiting until the larger vessel is anchored just off the coast and the cargo is put into small boats to be taken ashore. These areas are notorious for pirates and the work of these UN and other aid organizations is heroic.

ebb and flow

Ebb and flow is the foundation of the earth. The tides ebb and flow. Emotions ebb and flow. People ebb and flow. Is there anything that is so certain and so set that it does not ebb, then flow?

Give and take is the foundation of life. Sometimes you give before you take. Other times you take before you give. But the exchange of giving and taking occurs every minute of everyday. I can only hope I give as much as I take and ebb as much as I flow, before my life ebbs and flows for the last time.

I am a knee person

A good friend asked me the other day, "What type of person are you? Are you a gut person, a head person, or a heart person?" He was trying to ask what I follow when I have no idea what to do. At the time, I had no answer. But after noodling it for a few days, I have realized I am a knee person.

My heart is often unreliable. It isn't worn on my sleeve. It is an unchangeable secret decoder ring locked in a suitcase chained to my sleeve. Once you are in, there is very little chance of you getting out; very few people have the key that opens that suitcase. I often do not have the key. Therefore, important decision should not be based on a heart that can be so removed from the actual events happening. Having a heart under such security means I am terribly loyal - to a fault. But that is a fault I am okay with having.

My head is judgemental and rash. I don't think I use my head much at all when in flight/fight decision making events. If I don't have time to make a list of the pros and cons, my head is pretty much useless. And my heart seems to have line item veto over my head. Even if my head comes up with a rational response, my heart will 86 it.

My gut is often nauseous, there for a bit preoccupied to really chime in.

So that brings me to my knees. When I need to make a decision that is hard and I am torn between all sides of it, I follow my knees. When am I weak-kneed? When am I standing strong? When do they ache? When do they need to be propped up? When have I taken this metaphor too far? I follow my knees - it isn't easy to explain things to my heart and head (and my gut once it has brushed its teeth). But my knees are the ones who have to help me stand up and move forward. What better to help me through the rough patches of life?

My knees can tell me when it is going to rain, why shouldn't it help me with the tough decisions in my life.

striking gold

Today I experienced the city-dweller's equivalent of striking gold. I found my thought lost 30-day CTA pass. For those who are not familiar with the CTA 30-day pass, it is a $75 pass to all of the Chicago buses and trains. I have unlimited rides for 30 straight days, instead of the $2 per ride; which gets stupid expensive really fast.

I thought I had left my 30-day pass in my coat I dropped off at the dry cleaners Wednesday. I finally decided I was going to dress for spring even if it wasn't spring weather outside. I was going to put my winter clothes away and dress in only summer and spring fashions, even if it meant hypothermia while waiting for the train. I usually keep my pass in my pocket. I thought I check both pockets before I dropped the coat off, but lets be honest, I have never been good at details like that.

But, today as I was cleaning of my kitchen/dinning/crap table, I flipped through a book I have been trying to read for about 3 months. A few days back, Wednesday I guess, I was really committed to trying to read it and must have had it handy when I got on the train. I had stuck my CTA pass in the book as a place holder (pg 2).

At 11am today, I struck city gold! I found my pass. I no longer have to be sure I have 2 singles or jump the turnstile. (I have never done that, I am not nearly that cool.)

The unexpected

Life can, and does, throw curve balls at you. Rarely does one expect these curve balls; so often they turn into a football in your face a la Marsha Brady. I know, I mixed my sports metaphors, my apologies.

These curve balls or footballs, whatever works for you, really f-ing hurt. First you don't even know you got hit. It is just not in the realm of possible things that could happen to you. Then you have the shock of getting hit, "Wow, I just got hit. How f-ed up is that?" Then you feel the pain. The throbbing, aching, constant pain that you think will never, ever end. Then you try to deny the pain and push through. Some would call this "sucking it up." I would say it just sucks. You soon realize that you can't push through it, but you hope you can survive it.

Chances are, you can survive it. There are very few things in life that are unsurvivable. But there are a lot of things in life that you can learn, grow, and become stronger from. Is it time that shows the difference? I hope so.

office funny

I have a craving. A burning desire. A intense painful longing, to be funny. I need people to think I am funny.

I am, if I say so myself, the funniest person in the office. Grant you, that is not the highest bar to judge myself against. But office funny is very different from any other type of funny. I would say that office funny is harder than regular funny.

By actor-standards, I am fairly funny. But a lot of my funny comes from the fact that I am saying/doing it. If anyone else did my Johnny Carson or Christopher Walken impression it wouldn't be funny. It would just be sad and pathetic. But, because it is coming out of this little, mousy, brown-haired, quite girl - it is hilarious. I recently added "hilariously terrible impressions" to my special skills list.

I am also quite well versed in mom-funny. Mom-funny is an art that comes naturally to me, even though I am not a mom. Mom-funny is mostly rhymed phrases with pop references that the mom does not fully understand. Often mom-funny is followed by a cute face, a shrug of the shoulders and "Uh? Am I right?" True-mom funny is not intended, which makes it even better. I can't define mom-humor, but I know it when I see it.* I think some mom-funny would really help Hilary's campaign.

Real live office-funny is NOT the same thing as a joke in the hit show (and one of my personal favs) The Office. In office funny you have to first go through a list of questions

• Will this get me fired?
• Will this offend anyone within earshot?
• Is there ANY chance of me accidentally sending this to the entire company?

If you answer yes to any of those questions, you have to let the funny go. The second step in office-funny is to gauge your audience. If you say the funny that is in your head right now, will anyone get it? If so, go ahead and try it. If not, best keep it to yourself. In all honestly, because it was office-funny, it probably wasn't truly funny. Therefore, it will not satiate your need of being funny.

The hard thing about being naturally funny, like myself, is when the funny isn't acknowledged. For being as funny as I am, I run into this fairly often. My hilarious obsession with the difference between "theatre" and "theater" is often ignored. My consent need to ask "Did you want caramel (phonetically kar-mel) or caramel (phonetically kar-ra-mel) on your ice cream?" is overlooked completely.

The most heart-breaking thing is when people don't know it is a joke. I know that the political commentator's name is George Stephanopoulos, but it is much more funny to call him George Snuffleupagus. Seriously folks. Give me a little credit.

Acknowledge my humor! Please!

*this was an example of funny. If you got it, kudos! If you didn't wikipedia it.

communication blows

Someday, a nerd in a basement will invent a chip that can be implanted into the brain that allows humans to communicate. You may say, "Al - humans already communicate. Actually, it has been proven that all forms of mammals, fish, birds - well let us say conscious life - communicate."

Yes, that is true. We have found a way to express ourselves through audible and written words and physical signals. But how correctly do we interpret these three forms of communication?

The interpretation of a communicative experience is based on our own knowledge of the words/signals used, our preconceived ideas about the motives of the person we are communicating with, and our goals for the outcome of the communication. It is all an interpretation. There is no way to 100% know what the other person's intentions are with the communication. Therefore, the probability that true/accurate communication exists is suspect.

And this, well, blows.

How many problems are created by miscommunication? How much heartache is related to two people trying to say the same things but each hearing the other differently.

Godspeed to all nerds.

Don't say I never try anything new

I will admit to it, I am a creature of habit. I enjoy consistency and repetition. However, today I did two new things.

1. I wore jeans and heels. Know, since the mid 80's I have thought it was an atrocity to wear jeans and high heeled shoes. And, I am afraid to admit it, in recent years I have not so subtly commented on others in restaurants wearing heels and jeans. (I was simply asking a question - When did it become to wear jeans and heels?) But I have recently seen more and more women whose style I admire wear jeans and heels. And today, I wore my new Lucky Brand Jeans (just cut the tags off today!) and my cutest brown heels. Though the train ride was a little rougher than usual (my center of gravity was off because of the heels) I think it was a very successful outfit day.

2. I went to the Billy Goat Tavern for lunch. I have lived in Chicago for almost 5 years now. And there are many 'touristy' things I have done: Navy Pier, Signature Room, Aquarium. But I have never been to the Billy Goat Tavern, made famous in Bill Murray's SNL skit...until today. I had a single cheezeburger, fries, and a coke. But then I chatted up the cook and got a double. It was awesome.

I am very proud of myself. Perhaps I am turning over a new leaf - trying new things, new styles, new foods. But, then again, maybe not.

things were much easier when King Louis VXI reigned

Back in the day, and I mean way way back in the day, things were easier. You didn't have to take a bath, you just put on more perfume. You didn't need a bathroom, you just had a bucket by your bed. You didn't need to worry about your hair - you just wore a wig. I am going to try to bring powdered wigs back.

A few months back, I discovered by first 2 gray hairs. The next day, I got my hair colored. It worked, no more grays. And my hair stylist says I can go up to 6 months before my next coloring because the color I went with is so natural. Also, it is a semi-permanent dye, which means it will lightly fade over time all over my head, instead of a permanent dye which gives you roots.

Today, at work, with not even a comb to part my hair on the other side, I found one, short, stubby gray hair coming right out of my part. At first I thought it was a trick of the lights. These bad poorly light office bathrooms. Then I thought I just had something stuck in my hair - maybe a stray bit of guacamole from the lunch taco bar today at work. But no, it was said gray hair.

But if I just had a powdered wig I could plop on, I wouldn't have to worry about any of this. In reality, I would probably buzz my hair a la GI Jane and just wig-it-up all the time.

So, who is with me? Lets truly go retro - powdered wigs and throwing our 'waste' out the window. Men wearing high-heels would be good too.

Who do I hate more?

Some people just rub me the wrong way. I know instantly, within the first 10 seconds, if I will:
1) Be friendly with the person and will forget about after my next drink
2) Be friendly with the person and recognize the face when I see him/her in Trader Joe's next weekend, but I can't place the person and I have no idea what their name is because I wasn't really paying attention when they were introduced to me.
3) Hate them.

I was at a party tonight. There were dirty hippies (who didn't smell, but looked dirty), but I am sort of a dirty hippie. There were artist snobs who talk like the love child of a valley girl and Tom Watts. They talk on vocal fry a lot and then go up at the end so everything sounds like a question.* But I am snobby about my art. Some people were just watching paint dry boring. And sometimes, this is me as well.

So what I learned tonight was that I hate myself. I had to go to a party to learn this?

Couldn't I have stayed home and watched Numbers and figured this out on my own? Okay, I don't hate myself. But when you take one aspect of me (hippie, snob, ect) and make an entire person out of it - it drives me a little crazy. I kind of hate them/me.

I need to turn this into a positive. I am working on my karma.

Variety is the spice of life. When you limit your experiences to only one spice, you become over powering and you turn people off. Like Mr. Clean lemon. Too much. The diverse spices in me are what makes me unique and keeps me from hating myself. Is it that I judge others too quickly? I am too hasty when I perform the mental equation of "Do I like this person"?

Yes. But, isn't this snap judgement one of the spices? Tarragon maybe? But is this tarragon overpowering the tortellini soup of my life? Perhaps...

*This sounds so funny in my head - maybe I should podcast instead of blog.